Sunday, June 13, 2004
An Old Entry from Insanejournal
Sunday, June 13th, 2004
04 56 - Entry No. 180: I don't know, do you?
I was reading my friend from SIS's blog. I feel kinda sad. They've all graduated, Edward and Tuhin and the whole lot of them. I'm sad in part because Edward's entry about post-graduation and change and leaving is sad. The other part of why I'm sad is because I didn't stay in Indonesia. I didn't stay to be in the same school, going through middle school, high school and graduate together and instead came to crummy old Singapore to live a life I don't want and didn't really think I would be living (at least when I was young). I didn't get to take French lessons and drama lessons and learn more music. I didn't perform in the school play and I didn't do so many things I imagined I would. Why? Why me? Why did we have to leave?
And they've graduated. I'm still here, studying(?) for the A levels. I don't seem to have much hope of going overseas (well, I need the grades but it'll still put some burden on my parents... unless I take a good scholarship, that is). I'm not really hopeful even though my mom tells me to concentrate on my grades and leave the money up to them. My dad is much more frank, saying it's my mother who'll let you go to an overseas university. I get his drift.
But, I want so much. I want to go overseas. I want to live on my own in a foreign place. I want to do something I really like. I want to have all the time in the world to do as I like. Will I be content to go to NUS or SMU? No. I rather doubt so.
Let's face it. Deep down, Singapore has never really been the place for me. It was pretty neat to live in a city where you didn't have to take a car everywhere and the public transport is just excellent. But you don't want to live somewhere because of the public transport, do you? This kinda of novelty wears off and school wears it off the fastest. And all those stories-from-hell about living a Singaporean life is not going to help. It's like a giant rat race out there and Singapore's our rat cage. Well. I want no part in that.
But I think: Where can I go? Hell, I can pull off some pretty decent grades but I'm too lazy and stupid to get anything fantastic. I'm not alot of things: a leader, people person, verbose speaker or even an adequete writer (especially when it comes to writing things that interest people). Sometimes I think all I have is my mediocricy and even that's offset by my klutz-edness. Basically, I hate myself.
*rant rant rant*
But if I wanted to change all that, I would have to be all that I'm not. Now the question is, how? How can I make a fundamental change in my life that would enable me to become all the things that I want to be and reach the goals that I have? This is the million dollar question, folks!
And this leads me back to the title of this entry.
Do you?
music. Now. Again ~ Lenny Kravitz
[blogged] by ashke
at 4:56 am
